Although I was technically a virgin until my wedding night (at the age of 22) and I had only had oral sex performed on me a handful of times prior to that, despite my strict religious upbringing, I had been interested in sex for a long time. In my late childhood, around 10 or so, I still had Barbie dolls out. My best friend liked to play with them, like young girls do. But me, even at that young of an age, I like to make them have sex. I had very little idea what I was doing. My only knowledge came from sex ed and a few movies my parents should have never let me watch, but I knew enough to have Ken undress Barbie and have sex with her. Their torrid encounters on my bedroom floor didn’t last too long each time. The movies I had seen didn’t show much after the man undressed the woman and they got into bed (or wherever they were doing it(.
But that started my love affair with sex that wouldn’t become a full-blown thing until my 20s.
After I got divorced, I had my share of fun.
A few boyfriends, a few one-night or two-night stands. A friends with benefits situation.
I learned a few lessons. Like some guys are assholes. Some guys are selfish (I once had a guy cum w/o me even realizing it until he stopped and asked if I was hungry. He didn’t even do anything to get me to an orgasm. Needless to say, that was the last time I ever met up with him).
But I also learned what I wanted.
And dammit all, I want to be seduced into it, little by little, pushing the boundaries just a little bit more, “accidentally” skim your hand against my breast, slide just a finger under my shirt, keep going just a little bit further until I can’t take it anymore and then mind-blowing, a tinsy bit rough, make me cum over and over sex.
Ah, but the shame around that is still strong.
So what is the answer?
The freedom of knowing that it’s ok.
The belief that I deserve to want what I want, sexually and in all ways.
The release of shame around my sexual desires.
I was made this way. I have never acted in an immoral manner because of my desires. So really, what is there to be ashamed of?
What desires (sexual or otherwise) do you choose to be free to indulge in?