The biggest thing separating those who are desperate, jumping through hoops, bending over backward to make men (or people in general) happy, following a million of someone else’s rules, putting up walls, defensive, always on guard, and those who magnetically attract people to them without hardly lifting a finger is the magic of freedom.
Feeling free to be yourself.
Creating space where people are free to be themselves.
Maintaining firm, graceful boundaries on who stays in your space and who doesn’t. (Just because they’re free to be themselves doesn’t mean you have to allow them to remain in your space.)
What drives desperation and everything listed above is fear and shame. Fear that we aren’t good enough. Shame about our past mistakes. Fear of being alone (which the fear mongers basic bitch coaches EXPLOIT, instead of helping you overcome your fear). Shame in who we are. Fear of being hurt. Shame around our desires.
But freedom. Freedom releases all of those.
You can’t be free and controlled by fear/shame. Freedom isn’t controlled.
Yes, even those of us who embrace our freedom still deal with fear and shame. Sometimes we get stuck in it. Sometimes, it infiltrates our thoughts and throws confusion bombs into our souls.
But the desire for freedom, the longing, the drive, it always wins.
So at some point, freedom-thrivers sit down and look fear and shame in the eye.
And here’s where the magic happens. Fear and shame are sludge, and when confronted with the light of the truth they shrink and die.
But the key to the light of truth is to examine the whole truth.
Because it’s too easy to look at half the truth and act like it’s the whole truth when it isn’t. Yes, your ex didn’t stick around. Yeah, that one guy hurt you. Yeah, someone lied to you. But that doesn’t mean that’s what happens every time. And that’s where fear takes a half-truth and narrows your vision until that’s all you see. Your handful of hurts consumes your vision, your thoughts, your future, your everything. And you miss that it’s just a couple thorns in the bouquet of life.
But freedom, freedom inspires, demands even that we take steps back, even if it’s baby steps at a time. It bugs and nags us until we examine the view and sees the errors with the vision. And it compels us to take a step back. And we get more of the picture. Until, propelled by freedom, we finally see the whole truth, the whole picture. Or at least enough of it to see the lies the half-truth was feeding us.
We see that the ex was just one guy. We see that there are still good guys out there. We see that the one guy who hurt us was just that, one guy. And that we have encountered hundreds of people in our lives that haven’t hurt us, so those that have hurt us are really the minority. We see that the one who lied to us showed us their character, and that isn’t a reflection of ours.
We see the situation clearly. We see the thorn we’ve been staring into, the sharp point inches from our soul, it isn’t the whole reality. We’ve missed the beauty of the flowers surrounding it, the fragrance of the blooms, the color. We’ve spent so much time not just focusing on the thorn. But no more. Now we see the whole picture. The whole, glorious, fragrant picture.
And we breathe it in. And we exhale the bad out. And we inhale the truth. And we exhale the half-truths. And we expand. And we uplevel.
And when we pull our heads out of our asses, or at least out of the thorns, when we move forward despite our fears, we can interact with people from a place of freedom. We only allow those in that honor and encourage our freedom. We almost automatically dismiss those that don’t treat us like we know we deserve. We graciously say “no thank you” to those that offer us less than we are worth. We don’t let anyone play on our fears. We show up authentically, knowing we are fucking WORTH IT, and that confidence weeds out those that can’t handle our true selves, those that we’d have to coddle and protect and work our asses off to not offend them or make them feel uncomfortable. Because those that require so. much. work on our part aren’t worth our time, including mental time. We choose to spend our time on those that enhance our lives.
There’s always going to be some down times. Every trail to every high peak also has valleys.
But the overall relationship has to be positive. Flowing. Glorious. Beneficial.
Because if the relationship isn’t freeing, then it’s constricting.
And our souls will never allow constriction for too long.
So if you want a freedom relationship, you won’t find it by constricting yourself, by limiting yourself.
You find it by expanding. Through freedom.
That’s a magical relationship.